The disgusting mass removed from my left breast ..
Last July, I discovered a breast lump during a routine medical checkup. 3 month later, in October 2006, I found tiny blood stains in my bra cup. Alarmed, I went to a prestigious breast specialist and had ultrasound, mammogram & fine needle aspiration done. No removal was necessary since it was tested benign.
15th August, blood stains again from the same left breast. It was alarming this time because the smudge was more than tiny dots. The round patch of thick sticky bloody stain measures about 5cm in diameter. I knew myself that surgery this time is unavoidable and I switched to a clinic located within Mount Alvernia Hospital instead of the expensive specialist I had consulted last October.
First consultant on Sat and Dr Lee wanted to operate on me the following Monday because the discharge was spontaneous. Needless to say, I was frightened and bargained for a later date, 23 Aug 2007 9am. I was on the verge of breaking down esp after how Dr Lee explains how she is going to “cut me” up & I tried not to think about it though it was haunting me every minute of the day until I prayed.
How can I ever forget to pray I don know. But prayed I did. And not just me, but my dear sister, Agnes who roped in all her friends as well. She assured me, that God has a reason for all He is doing and I should have no fear & no doubt but trust in Him entirely. She constantly tells me the visions and the messages she got from God and assures me all will be fine. Apparently in one of her quiet moments, God spoke to her and said the reason for putting me through this is to enforce my belief and to bring me closer to Him.
I thought I will back out of the whole op thing on Thurs itself. I thought I will just turn and run away in fear. But I did not. I even sat in the Pre-Op room chatting with my husband. I shared with him what Agnes has told me. And I asked if he felt I was very brave? Looking into my eyes, he said yes sincerely. I told him all the prayers that have been going on just for me. And I think he have to admit that it was definitely making a difference to me. It helped that he is someone who is daring and brave but will panick at injections. He broke a needle once during an injection during his teens. And that is something that we still joke about =)
Anyway, I was still hesitant but its nothing compared to my initial apprehension and fear by just thinking of a blade going through my skin. I prayed day and night, did my first quiet moment (though I guess it was too short for me to achieve anything). And I felt so much peace. Even as my husband drove me to the hospital, even as I laid on the bed waiting to be pushed into the theatre, I prayed for the holy spirit to be in me and to take away all the uneasiness, the fear, the anxiety. And you know what? I found myself joking with the aesthetician and the nurse while they prepared me for the surgery in the theatre. I told her that is not a room. That’s a chiller! Yeh its cold beyond words. I guess it there for a reason? Like if I should pass away on the operating theatre, then at least my body will not start to decompose that soon .. haha .. silly me .. looking back I think I am silly too ..
The aesthetics jab hurts. Ouch! It hurts!! Not like the last time when I did a D&C where its practically painless (to me not my husband .. I think his pain threshold is literally non-existent in this context). One two .. *Zzzzz*
I remembered being pushed to the post-op resting room after the surgery. Around noon, Dr Lee, the surgeon came to see me. Till now, I still remember the misgiving look she had on her, or perhaps she just want to prempt me for the worst. She did a 5cm incision around the areola and meant to remove the bleeding duct estimated at 6-7cm + small 1cm lump + part of the massive lump. However, her first words to me were: I cant promise you the results will be good, the lab test will be cleared because it was so horrible inside.!!
She said there was a lot a lot of blood, and not what she had expected. She couldn’t see well and was contemplating if she should remove the whole massive lump or stick to the original plan of removing some for biopsy. Eventually, only 2inches in diameter was removed. She decided that if its benign, then I don have to lose half of my breast size for nothing. Anyway if it turned out to be malignant, another surgery is unavoidable. And I froze. And I slept. And I prayed. Everyday.
And when Dr Lee called me on 28 August, I had one hand on my bible and I said a silent prayer before she took a deep breath and told me all is clear and good!!! I was relieved beyond words. All that went wrong was my hormones. We suspect the growths and bleeding are due to my PCO.
Last Sunday, Pastor Prince said: We do not have to be good to be a child of God for He will show his power not through our strength but our weakness. How true. And in times of sickness and in need will one knw who are the people who really cares.
Thank you my lovely sister Agnes, for the numerous calls and sms from Australia, for reinforcing my belief in God, for reminding me of his goodness and his graciousness, for getting everyone to pray for me, for always being there whenever I need you.
Thank you Jowey for keeping me in your prayers and for your personal message. I didn’t expect that from you but I am delighted all the same. Thank you for being there for agnes too. She has nothing but full of praises for you ^_^
Thank you Anna for offering to go with me for the consultations though you didn’t make it in the end, but I appreciate the kind gesture. Really. Please la, study hard and make sure you pass all 5 subjects during your next exams ok.
Thank you Lily, for introducing me to neways. My menses actually came and I am excited! And I will be using endau diligently. I hope this will bring me more good news .. its horrible having PCO
Thank you Reei Kwang, for the comfort and the encouragement you have given me prior and after the op & for telling me I am a brave girl.
Thank you Dave. I always knew you were the best friend I ever had. But I didn’t realise just how much you cared. Need I say more, my dear?
Thank you my Vince, for the love, care and support you have for me all these years. Thank you for being my hands and feet when I was lying listlessly recovering from GA and feeling all sore and swollen. ** Even though u left me all alone in the hospital and not opt to sit outside and wait for me (like those folks in the TV drama) But I love you all the same, not a % less.
And mum if you do happen to read this, contrary to what I said, the op theatre IS a terrifying place !! I just didn’t want to scare you. ha ha
Thank you my Lord, for giving me a clean bill of health. For loving me all the same despite my falling away from you so very often. For sending angels and messengers to me wherever I go, be it at home (agnes, jowey), netplus (janet) mediaring (christine) telstra (lily) .. Thank you for not forsaking me even when I was lost once. Thank you for bringing me closer to you.
And YOU (YES YOU!!) We’ve known each other for years!! But u didn’t even give me a ring when I told you I was going for the surgery. I am v disappointed in you. Were you nice to me in the past just because I was valuable in one way or another? Like Lily said. The world is round, and don burn the bridge .. ha ha ..
